Overcoming Fear

Last week, I turned 22 - the second birthday I’ve spent living abroad. I wrote a post about turning 20 while I was living in Spain, you can check that out HERE (So crazy that I’ve been writing on this blog in some capacity for nearly 3 years - although I’ve only just started actually taking it seriously).  I feel like every birthday I have while living abroad I come to a revelation - so, in keeping with tradition, here’s 22’s edition of Emma’s Birthday Epiphany. 

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about this life I’m living, and the past 10 months, from January until now, a big thing I had been constantly wrestling with in my life was fear. Fear of taking the wrong path for my life, fear of the repercussions of my post-grad life decisions, fear of missing what was meant for me, fear of the unknown and of leaving what is familiar.

I think that anyone who’s been a senior in college knows exactly what fear I’m talking about. What am I going to do in life? What will I do when I’m separated from my friends? Which job offer will I take? Will I even get a job offer? Things like that. 

For me, it looked a little like, “What country will I move to?” “Do I take the job that pays well but sucks the life out of me? Or do I take a chance and move across the world while making half of that?” “Will I potentially lose the relationships that mean the most to me by leaving or is it worth it to give up my dreams and stay?” I could barely sleep all of my last semester of school, the uncertainty of my future and the magnitude of the choices and how they would shape my entire life kept me tossing and turning and internally freaking out. 

Obviously we all know what I ended up choosing and what path I walked down in the end - it has been so challenging and so rewarding and is giving me the opportunity to fuel this pipe dream/blog of mine. As a result of how everything has turned out so far, I’ve been reflecting on that fear that was literally consuming my life earlier this year; Here’s what I’ve discovered. 

One thing that stuck out the most to me that in the midst of this is that I constantly had people telling me that I was so adventurous, brave and nonchalant about the whole thing. People consistently tell me that I’m an inspiration to them when it comes to trying new things and stepping out of their comfort zones. While these kind words definitely fuel me (where are my words of affirmation people at?) , it’s just a little funny to hear when I know what was actually going on in my brain. What they don’t realize that is I had literally been gripped with the most intense fear I’ve ever felt for the past year, and even though I’m here, living life in Korea, fulfilling everything I wanted and giving the life I want the best shot it can have, I aaaaalllmoooost didn’t. I was ~this~ close to taking the comfortable job and doing life the way we’re all taught it should be done. 

Sometimes I just look up from my desk and see the Pacific ocean glittering from my classroom windows and can’t believe that I’m living in Asia. Like, how did I get here?? How did I overcome that fear, the strongest fear I’ve ever felt in my entire life, and actually get here? 

It comes down to one simple thing: When I, a serial list maker and over thinker, sat down to write through the pros and cons of all my options, and simultaneously rank my fears in order from greatest to least, the number one fear that trumped all the rest was this:

“I’m afraid of wasting the one life I have. I’m afraid of not reaching my fullest potential, not reaching for the stars, not chasing my biggest, scariest dreams.” 

I was scared of these crazy dreams not working out, of course, but I was even more terrified of never giving them a chance to begin with. 

So, with my biggest fear out there in the open, the choice was obvious. In order to diminish the (overwhelming) amount of fear that was in my life, I decided to take the option that would open doors for my dream to potentially come to fruition. 

Sure, that decision came with a whole host of other fears (Hello? I’m living alone in Asia with no friends, no wallet/money (recent development at the time that I’m writing this) (sounds very reminiscent of turning 20), spending holidays alone and working with tiny children 9 hours a day), but there is an enormous weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders. I’m chasing my dream! 

It’s proved to be way more difficult than I expected - creating and diving into a travel blog during a global pandemic probably wasn’t my smartest move - and I really haven’t made a single penny yet! But I’m hoping that I’m on the right trajectory. 

Now, I want to talk about a few things that enabled me to work through all the other fear that was leftover. I eliminated my biggest fear by moving to South Korea and taking my blog seriously, but there were a few things that helped me to make that leap/become confident in my decisions. They’re kind of silly, but they truly help me face fears every day - and maybe they can help you too! 

1. Affirmations

At first, I thought that affirmations and manifestations were silly things that didn’t line up with everything I believed in - The universe doesn’t send you what you ask for, and you can’t attract things just by repeating a sentence in the mirror?? I believe that everything is God’s plan, and affirmations and “attracting” things to you just didn’t make sense to me. But what I’ve learned about affirmations and manifestations is that although in my brain they don’t automatically bring you everything you desire, they do completely change your mindset. 

Mindset is everything. By believing, truly believing, the affirmations that you say to yourself everyday, you can fight off the imposter syndrome that so many of us feel. So many of us believe that copious amounts of money aren’t possible for us, that no matter what we change in our lifestyle our body will never look a certain way. That you’ll never feel pretty, that you’ll never achieve your ultimate goals. 

I’ve started saying affirmations every day to myself - and it motivates me to become the things it says I am, fight procrastination, never give up, and continue to work hard even when I’m not seeing results. If you believe you are great, you will attempt great things. If you believe you can’t, you won’t even try. That is the difference these affirmations have made in my life. 

In addition, I try to visualize a life that exists right now only in my dreams. I get really specific with it, and then step back, take a look at my life and assess what needs to be done to get there. 

I know it seems trivial, believe me! I didn’t believe in the power of affirmations and manifestations either. I haven’t accomplished all that I want to, I haven’t even accomplished a fraction, or a fraction of a fraction! But the difference is that I wholeheartedly believe I can, and I just can’t wait until I get there. Because I will. 

2) Motivational speeches

Along the same lines, another thing that I’ve done is started listening to motivational speeches or TED talks every day. Sometimes, we can lose sight of the things we truly want, or we can fall into a mindless routine. I discovered how much these motivational speeches affect me through my brother Luke, who would always make us listen to them on the way to the gym when we lived at home together. Now, I listen to those same speeches in the morning and also when I workout. The album I listen to is called Fearless Motivation on Spotify - and it might seem silly but it truly puts me in the right headspace to take on the day. It ensures that I never lose sight of my goals and I make and effort to make headway on those goals each and every day. I highly recommend even looking on YouTube for some other famous motivational speeches! They are the kick in the booty I need to continually chase my dreams and continue reaching my goals.

3) Planning

I was always a planning wannabe. I would buy planners, use them for two weeks, and then forget about them. Google calendar makes me hate my life, and I was always just someone who winged it. That was until I started reading (spoiler: that’s the next point) self-help books and really deciding that I wanted to take my life, my hopes and dreams seriously. Without planning, I can easily fall into the rabbit hole of procrastination, of spending my free time binge-watching YouTube videos and losing hours of time to TikTok that I could use to further my goals instead. I needed to physically write out all my daily, weekly, and monthly goals so that I would spend my time actually trying to accomplish those things, if only because of the satisfaction that comes with checking those boxes!

Now, I don’t know what I would do without my planner. I need to have goals to accomplish every day - I refuse to spend one single day without making at least a baby step towards the life that I want. (Shoutout to my senior year roommate Alexis for my gorgeous planner - I use it and think of you every day!) Every hour of every day has a purpose in putting me one step further than I was yesterday. If my planner says I’m doing a Korean lesson at 7 in the morning, that’s what I’m doing. If it says I’m catching the bus to the gym 13 minutes after I get off of work, that’s what I’m going to do. I LOVE checking those boxes off. omg.

4) Reading

This year, one of my goals was to get back into reading. throughout middle school and high school, I was a CRAZY reader. One year my goal was to read 52 books. I only read 43, but STILL. I’ve definitely lost that passion and drive through the college years, when reading was a chore and free-time was scarce. I’ve been doing really good this year with reading non-fiction and also self help books. The non-fiction fuels my imagination, and the self-help books have inspired me to have a solid routine and to pursue my goals. I’ve read Atomic Habits, which has been INCREDIBLE. I work for 9 hours a day and still find time to cook healthy meals, go to the gym, work on my blog, Facetime my boyfriend twice, and do a Korean lesson. It’s not easy, but my mindset has completely switched. I have an enormous list of books like this that I want to read to keep me inspired - but I just have to figure out how to get them over here in Korea….not sure how I’m gonna get my hands on some of those. If you want to click the donate button in the sidebar and contribute to my growing library you’re more than welcome ;)

You really only get one life, and I’ve decided not to settle. I don’t even know if it’ll work out, but I’m determined to TRY.

5) Not being stagnant 

A big thing that has also contributed to making me feel so fulfilled with my life is not being stagnant, and not losing my sense of wonder. So many weekends back at home I would lay around the house watching TV or scrolling through instagram, and even here, with my very minimal friends spread all over this very large city, it would be so much easier to always stay at home and do the same. Even if I have work to do all day on my laptop, I still make it a point to get ready for the day (something that never fails to boost my productivity) and go find a new cafe to work from. I’ve explored somewhere new every weekend, and even if you happen to be living in the same city you grew up in, you can do the same! Break out of your comfort zone and consistently make time for yourself in this way! I think of it as self care - It truly helps you to romanticize your own life, appreciate all the little things, and continually switch it up.

I've turned into such a planner now that I created an Ultimate South Korea bucket list of all the things I want to do before I leave here in a year, and what months are the best to do them in. The result is a full calendar year chock-full of exciting things for me to look forward to every month - and I’m beyond excited to create the most exciting, fun, adventurous life that I possibly can. Having things to look forward to, at least for me, keeps all the fears from creeping back in. I may be across the globe from everyone who matters the most to me, but exciting things keeps the loneliness at bay and builds confidence in myself that I am fully capable of having the time of my life, with just me, myself, and I.

Use your weekends to plan a little trip! Don’t wait for your friends schedules to all line up, chances are they never will. Take yourself hiking, take a surfing lesson, try a new recipe, paint, buy a new book! I’ve noticed that keeping my life a little spicy at all times has drastically improved the well-being of my mind as well as my soul. Adventure is out there, no matter where you are. Go looking for it!

And that’s a wrap on this edition of Emma’s Birthday Epiphanies!

As always, it’s just a random word vomit of all the intense feelings I’m having, no rhyme or reason, no actual point to the whole thing. I guess what I’m saying is that I have lots of fears, but I’m getting better and better at managing them. I’m so excited to be here, traveling the world South Korea (thank u COVID and quarantine for boxing me into one country for probably the duration of my stay here), creating content for all of you, and giving my biggest, wildest dreams the best shot they can possibly have.

What’s your biggest, craziest, (maybe unrealistic? I know travel blogging is) dream? Feel free to write anonymously, and I’ll hype you up in the comments:)